Monday, July 28, 2008

This is the funniest thing you will ever read on the internet.

Here's the Sharper Iron comment thread, "You might be a fundamentalist if . . ."

Here's my contribution (I will send a special gift to anyone who can identify which 10 are personally true of me):
. . . you've ever thought throwing a stick in a fire would help you "get right with God"

1). . . you thought Ace Virtueson was cool

2). . . you never forget which side of your head you're supposed to part your hair on

3). . . you think Crusaders are something to be proud of

4). . . you've ever amused your neo-evangelical friends by showing them a youtube video of a radio hall meeting

5). . . you've researched whether there really is a chemical that explodes into flame upon contact with water

6). . . you still tell the joke about Omega after the Rapture 15 years after you graduated from college

7). . . you have a Hollywood Video card in your wallet but think "not supporting Hollywood" is a good reason not to go to the theater

8). . . you ever used extra hair gel because your non-boje hall leader warned you about hair check

9). . . you've ever been excited because you got a "I" rating in a preaching competition

10). . . you ever stood in a "DC" line for 45 minutes because you were late to class or didn't make your bed

11). . . you've ever had an argument about what year they dropped the women's hats on Sunday rule or when family style lunch was no longer required

12). . . you've ever snuck off campus to toss a football

13). . . you've ever been expelled from college for stealing an umbrella

14). . . you were ever impressed by an evangelist who "led 6 people to Christ" in 90 minutes

15). . . you use the term "slippery slope" in conversation at least once a week

16). . . you've ever been concerned about the direction of a church that meets in home groups for the evening service whenever there's a month with 5 Sundays

17). . . you've ever heard a person say about Jack Hyles, "I know it's in the Bible about Jesus, but 'never a man spake as this man!' "

18). . . you think CCM is a big deal but repentance isn't
And two special bonuses NOT appearing on Sharper Iron:

19). . . you've ever heard a full sermon on why leviathan and behemoth are dinosaurs*

20). . . you've ever seen a college promo video in which a "professor" claims the Apostle Paul used the KJV


*Call me crazy, but I think they are.


Greg Linscott said...

You know, I think I still am suffering because I never owned one of those big blue ACE Bibles with the eagle, US flag, and open Bible logo on the front.

BTW- did you ever own a bright red dress shirt?

I feel guilty not writing this comment in pencil...

Ben said...

I never knew about the Bibles, but I sure had the red shirt.

And pants.

No lie.

Brandon said...

alas, I could not remember my SI user name/password. Here were a few of mine:

(1) If you turn the radio down arriving at church so you "don't offend no one."

(2) If you distinguish "Preaching" from "Teaching" based on volume and results.

(3) If the first statement before quoting a preacher or author in a sermon is "Now we don't agree on everything and I don't recommend many of his books, but..."

(4) If you know what FBF stands for.

(5) If your first thought when the preacher announces that his sermon will be from Revelation is a chart of end times.

(6) If you've used the word "euphemism" over 5 times in your life.

Greg Linscott said...

I never had a red dress shirt- always wanted one, though. I do remember attaching an ACE tie to a red polo shirt, though...

Those Bibles were quite something- blue padded hardcover, 4-5 inches thick... You could really look quite impressive up there leading your learning center in the pledge to the Bible...

Ben said...

. . . you've ever driven 75 mph on a side street because it was 10:23

. . . you've ever taken a vacation to go to the World Congress of Fundamentalists (Speaking of that trip: Josh, you still haven't e-mailed me.)

. . . you've ever rooted through the used book guy's junk clearance box because that's where you're most likely to find the really good stuff

Ben said...

. . . the people you hear preach most often think dispensationalism is a REALLY big deal but also regularly spiritualize or allegorize the Old Testament

. . . you've ever heard someone say from a chapel pulpit, "Am I saying that because my wife and daughters don't wear slacks, that you shouldn't either? YES that's EXACTLY what I'm saying."

Just Jenny said...

Hair checks...standing in line for "DC" for 45 minutes...Apostle Paul using the KJV...yep, been there, heard that!

Jack said...

Thanks for dredging up the memories Ben. Added a few of my own over at SI.

Coach C said...

Ben, I emailed you on two different addresses . . . neither must have been correct . . . my new account doesn't have your address yet. email me here:

Anonymous said...

"7). . . you have a Hollywood Video card in your wallet but think "not supporting Hollywood" is a good reason not to go to the theater"

Lol.....I never could and still don't, even though I've tried, understand the logic of this.

Anonymous said...

Yikes, is John MacArthur becoming one who treads awful close to the use of "slippery slope" terminology?

Aaron Blumer said...

... you "covet" prayers, never simply want them.

... you think a hymn by Harry Emerson Fosdick is OK, but not a song by Melody Green

... you have sat through a sermon on revival from a passage about Jacob's wells (Gen.26:18) in which the preacher called Augustine "The Father of all Bad Theology" and also complained repeatedly about the "ignernce" of today's Christians.

Brandon said...

...when the age of a song matters more than theological content.

...when changes in larger fundamental educational institution policies affects life in your church.

...when the church really isn't primary due to other institutions.

...when music containing drums (other than snare) is immediately considered "Rock" music. Are there any other kinds: Sacred, classical, rock? That's it right?

Anonymous said...

If at least one girl in your church was sent to Hephzibah House.

If at least once an evangelist in a sermon illustration says a guy who wanted to "Go to Hell" if he had to, to get his type of beer he could not find at several stores, was hit by the very beer truck carrying this guy's favorite brew, and killed!

If you hear the evangelist ask the organist/pianist play "Just As I Am" one more time, then asks for one more time, then asks for one more time, then asks for one more time, then asks for one if the organist/pianist is more holy than the rest of the congregation...

If at least one girl in your church gets sent back to Hephzibah House.

If you have ever heard of Hephzibah House.

If all of your pastors have been given honorary D.D.'s whether they have an undergrad degree or not!

If you hear Jack Hyles quoted more often the the Epistles of Paul (as long as those Epistles are 1769 AV)!


Joe said...

#13 has propelled me straight to the top of fundamentalism. woo hoo, thanks dean miller.